UNEXPECTED NEXT CHAPTERS

I wasn’t expecting the next chapter of my life to be a master class in letting go. 

If I’d have known I probably would have worked much harder to avoid it. 

One minute I was celebrating the success of my beautiful new studio...yes the one I had just gone all in on...tripled down on...bet the farm on...yeah that one. The next we found ourselves in a global pandemic and suddenly I was closing the doors in a stupor and loading my dismantled dreams, ego and ikea furniture into my car, one arm full at a time.  It took what felt like 20 carloads and a truck to get it home. Which felt like 20 chances to sit in the awful reality of how much of my life just fell apart.

Hello, letting go. 

And you should know right up front that I am THE WORST at letting go. 

Seriously. 

And you should also know that, in terms of stuff, my studio was essentially a furnished one bedroom apartment. I don’t know about you, but I currently live in a home that already has its own belongings. One which does not typically sit empty excitedly awaiting the unexpected arrival of the contents of an apartment the way we wait in anticipation for holiday guests.  No, we were pretty full to the gills here as it was and just to keep things interesting, early in the pandemic, no one was taking any donations. Nothing out. Everything in. 

The overwhelm was real. I was in no emotional place to tackle this. Arguing for my limitations began. I can’t do this.  How my struggle to make decisions especially about the minutia is real,  how my A.D.D is legit and that the decluttering and integrating I am about to attempt is like trying to do a rubiks cube color blind in a dark closet. Summiting Everest in a bikini and flip flops kind of ominous. Yes I know Wim Hof did this at Kilimanjaro in swim trunks. It still felt cruel.

Accumulating I have down. I could take the gold for the American team in this sport. For almost 47 years now I’ve perfected my rituals and habits for bringing more into my life...more stuff, books, clothes, to do’s, projects, emails, online groups, responsibilities, people, social obligations, work commitments, emotional baggage...and my favorite...all those endless resources from well intended mentors that will guide me to live my best life but require the energy to read and implement them.

Though a master of acquisition, I realized I have almost no consistent habits or rituals for letting go- other than taking out the trash, compost and recycling. I had to admit that I am uneducated and unskilled in the art of letting go.

That seemed bizarre. I am not new here to the planet after all. I’ve had half a life to practice this dynamic of in and out. How can I have almost no routines for getting rid of stuff? 

Have I tossed stuff out? Yes. A day or purging a closet or shed? Yes. But consistent, built in, auto pilot letting go within a system of checks and balances? Um no. You?

It would be like eating all these years but never going to the bathroom. Can you imagine? Let that sink in!    How can any of us live each day carrying most of what we have ever held onto?  That would be like trying to hike the Appalachian Trail with a pack filled with everything you have ever owned. Sounds fun doesn’t it? I had unknowingly made my life heavier every step of the way so far.  

Sitting on my floor surrounded by a mountain of possessions and self loathing I came undone, committed to ending this insanity and then offered myself the compassion of a beginner. 

I do not know how to let go. Why would I ? I was not led, taught or guided in this form of self care nor practiced it until now long enough to get good at it. I am not hardwired for it and never made the disciplined effort to get better at it. The truth was, I had no more of an idea how to let go (of my studio, my dreams, my actual stuff, my illusion of failure, my fear, my self hatred, my story or the people who no longer fit) then I did how to fly a helicopter. 

But I was willing to be a humbled beginner and begin.  My mantra is “ I am becoming a minimalist” though no one in their right mind would assume as much looking around here. I’ll be sharing more of what I discover here.

Hope you’ll stay along for the journey!