THROWN OFF A PANDEMIC HORSE

Life got very different very fast over here. SO fast in fact, that I needed to take some time to sit with it, take it all in and let it sink in. Change was upon me. As a single mom and self employed, freelancer things were about to get interesting…that’s a nice way of saying really freaking horrendous temporarily.

One son home from college out west suddenly feeling painfully uprooted from his life and his freedom. Another happily getting his wish to homeschool online after all. Sheltering in place. My photography business and dream of meaningful in person gatherings vaporized overnight. With income halted for the unforeseeable future in those realms, I had to make the difficult decision to close my beautiful studio and focus on what’s here now.

How often we talk about wanting to change our lives, to live our best life, to grow! We say it with the gusto of a 3rd grader expressing her excitement about an upcoming field trip. As if it were as easy as getting on the bus for a day at the Museum of Transformation. Catchy book titles make it sounds so easy and enjoyable. Social media makes it seem like you are one meme away from a better…everything.

Then we are confronted with this pandemic..or any real hard thing, right? Unavoidable Real life. Change…no warning.

Sometimes anticipating change can feel fun and exhilarating like moving into a new house or falling in love. My own experience has been though that the real growth and change…at least the kind of change that actually CHANGED me, came though sitting alone in the fire of discomfort, uncertainty, pain, shame, fear, love, honesty and faith with a willingness to endure it until I was different.

It was hard…brutal in fact and necessary and beautiful. Every time.

I don’t know if or how this pandemic is changing you, nor what about you or your life it is shifting with it, but I do know how real the need is to feel seen right now, as you are, going through what you are, feeling everything you’re feeling and doing everything you’re doing. This is not easy. We all need reminders.

So whether you are rocking in a corner watching what used to be your life pile up at your feet or are feeling more motivated than ever and are taking advantage of every moment this time and space allows for… please know you are exactly where you need to be.

I wrote the following for you because it’s what I’ve needed to remember:

1. You are not alone.

2. I see you. That matters.

3. This is hard. And that means something different to each of us.

4. You’re doing great…even if you’ve only eaten cheese puffs and a twix bar from the couch after 48 hours of binge watching Tiger King…see #3 (Sometimes productive people are just coping via workaholism…not always but I’m throwing it in because it’s worth mentioning for those who have never considered that and think they just suck)

5. Feel it all because if you don’t, you will leak out sideways and that will feel worse and be a mess you then have to clean up and I almost guarantee you don’t have the bandwidth for that right now…or ever. ( leaking out sideways p.s. can look like snide comments, withholding attention or affection, avoiding a needed conversation, passive aggressive words or actions…all the awesome things we do when we really just needed to say a really hard thing etc)

6. It’s ok and in fact crucial to be honest with yourself about where you are, who you are and what you need right now.

7. No one outside of you has your answers. (I believe God meets me on the inside) Rely on the love and support of others but only your inner whisper can affirm for you what you need: to eat, do, say, become, let go of, do next, is right for you. Trust it.

8. Consider this an amplification process to learn how you are with: discomfort, uncertainty, solitude, your own mind, a new chapter, your partner etc. Use it as a way to see more clearly what your own unique default settings are. Or take a nap.

9. It’s ok to be you. It’s ok to do this your way right now even if that doesn’t look like anyone else’s. To try to make yourself be anywhere you aren’t doesn’t get you where you want to be any faster.

10. Remember that no matter what is changing in you or around you, YOU are really the one who is in there witnessing it all.

Ok that’s it for today. I am here. I see you and you are loved.