WHAT WOULD RAY AND MIMI DO?

Sometimes we just don’t know what to do. It’s so human of us. We should talk about it more. It’s important and it makes sense, given our lives are unfolding moment by moment with no guaranteed...well...anything. 

We can’t skip ahead a few chapters and see how it all works out. Instead we must navigate this trail called life with no clear map in hand. So what do you do when you don’t know what to do? When you don’t have all the information or the answers you want ? We could probably answer that in as many different ways as there are people. 

Do you go within or seek advice from the outside? Some people run to clear their head, some write, some drink, some dance, some set goals, some screw strangers, some meditate, some binge watch netflix, some strategize...you catch my drift.   

When I was a new mom 19 years ago, there were many times I felt completely unsure what to do. Having a baby was daunting and suddenly there were so many important decisions to make, many of which felt life altering, most of which I didn’t feel qualified for. There were more questions than answers.

The stakes felt high. This was my child and my one shot to do this family thing right after all...I was 26...I believed such things then.  Growing up, my own family had never been anything close to right. The death toll of my house plants was particularly high and disconcerting if an indicator of how well established my mothering skills were. There was no getting around it. My success here was not guaranteed.

I needed a guide, a role model. I started asking myself who did I know who did family great? Whose grown kids did I like? Who was an exceptional mom in the kind of way I wanted to be? Who had the kind of family life and a relationship with their kids that I wanted for myself?

The answer was in that moment and has been ever since: Ray and Mimi. 

I met Ray and Mimi over 20 years ago when their youngest son Caleb came to a nature education program we were running in York, Maine where we lived at the time.  They had 3 children whom they had homeschooled on and off and a deep love of the wisdom of nature. 

Salt of the earth, hardworking and generous people; they’d give you the shirt of their back. What I noticed about them right away was their matter of fact way of telling it like it is coupled with this reverence for their children and one another. I remember Mimi, who had been a doula, just affirming to me “Being a new mom is just the hardest some days”. They told the truth.

I didn’t really know them well back then, but they seemed like they had a way of being as a family rooted in love and a willingness to make peace with their imperfections. They lived as a family on their own terms and by their own rules and I really needed that kind of permission. I wanted to aim for their outcome. I believed we shared the same values and priorities. I followed their lead.

Whenever I would find myself confused as a parent (and then eventually as a person) and the right next thing to do was eluding me I would stop and say “What would Ray and Mimi do?” How would these two people I greatly love, respect and admire handle this situation? What would their move be? I know many prefer Jesus but Ray and Mimi has always worked for me.

Truth is, except for the million times I have asked them directly for advice over the years, I don’t really know what they themselves would have done with any of my challenges but that part was irrelevant. 

What was helpful to me was knowing I needed a reference point for making decisions and choosing to emulate in my mind someone who’s own answers had led them to an outcome I wanted, in this case a relationship with their kids that I wanted to create with my own. Then I just trusted the wisdom I received when I asked 

Now Caleb is 28-ish.  Ray and Mimi have ripened in age and the other kids are grown with spouses and 5 or 6 grandkids in the mix. For over two decades I have watched their mutual love and respect for their children express itself in every area of their lives. They are my own family and I love them as such. They choose one another. They live near by, they eat together, they still raise one another long after the kids went off to college. They did family well and it looks like love has ransacked the place. 

To this day I ask myself when it comes to my kids, family, telling the truth and living life on my terms “What would Ray and Mimi do?” It hasn't failed me yet.

photo credit: Beautiful Day’s Events